Realizing My Dreams, Chapter 6: Regaining My Identity
30 11 2007Well, here I am. It’s 10:30 in the morning and I can safely say that I won’t have another thing to do for the rest of the day. You’ll forgive me if I’m not terribly energetic, won’t you?
This is how I got here. This morning I finally realized that I’ve been pushing against a brick wall while my dreams were crossing the horizon. I packed my life into numbered boxes, for what? I left everyone I know and traveled across the country only to wake up this morning and realize how lonely I really am.
I was stuck in every possible way. I worked with people much older than me and by the time I got home, all I wanted to do was stay in my comfort zone. Episodes of Scrubs and The Office were playing constantly and I would spend my time calling up my family and close friends. Another week would go by and I would hardly notice. I hardly remember September.
This is wrong and I know it. This is not the person that I want to be and this is not the career that I have worked so hard for. I’ve spent countless hours studying, practicing, and pushing myself to master the material. I certainly didn’t learn the skills to sit here and not use them.
I sat there for the majority of the day. I can’t quite explain everything that went through my head. In fact, I think my mind went blank for at least half of it. It’s a little hard to remember the devastation anymore - we tend to put such awful thoughts and feelings behind us, you know?Eventually, I updated my resume and threw it up to let the headhunters have a field day. It was a painful waiting process, that’s for sure. Call after call from people that had absolutely no idea what they were talking about - they amuse me the most. They get so comfortable stating the requirements that you can feel the confidence they have on their tongues but the second you ask a non-rehearsed question, it’s all gone.
After a couple of days worth of this amusement, I was more annoyed than anything. I had ignored the last five or six calls and just happened to pick up and then it happened. FINALLY, a .NET position. No php, mysql, java, or any of the other technologies that don’t really excite me.
The rest is trivial in comparison, really. I had completely lost my identity and it took me months to realize it. There was more to it than regaining the identity I once had. My perspective completely changed in the process. I learned the importance of a lack of formality. More importantly, I’ve lightened up.
I mean, come on, I’m only 21 years old.
Live a little.
Responses:
I’m pretty psyched to be living a little this weekend. hahaha. Also, I don’t know if I’ve said this before, but you know more than anyone that I know exactly what you went through over at the big blue, feeling like you don’t belong and that you’re generally just unhappy with the decision you’ve made. It’s awful.
Also, it’s awesome that you’ve learned that shoving a giant tree up your butt does not suddenly make you professional. You have to loosen up sometime, right? I’m ready to loosen up right now if you know what I mean! YEAH!
I think in retrospect it was probably good that you went through that experience at IBM early in your career. In the future you know that you should gear your career toward avoiding those sorts of situations. You’re definitely stronger now than you were at graduation.
P.S. WTF at Ryan’s second paragraph??
there is a quote in my new blog aimed at ones like you, my friend.
-lee
@ryan: You’re right…shoving a giant tree up my butt doesn’t make me professional. I’m…I’m not going to respond to that last part…
@dave: I am very grateful for the experience. As painful and frustrating as it may have been, I’ve grown tremendously and learned so much about so many things. Not only from a technical perspective, but I’ve learned a lot about myself as well.
@lee: one of my favorite quotes, no doubt.
It may have been a little painful, but it is good that you had that experience early on. what doesn’t kill you will only make you stronger. that became a cliche because it is true. many people have your experience much later when they have more obligations and less freedom to move on. you must take ownership of your life, and where it is headed. it sounds like you are. life is too short to be unhappy. you have tremendous talent. this experience will help you focus it into even more success.
P.S. you really should filter ryan’s comments for his own sake
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