We’re in Montgomery, Alabama and getting ready to hit that final stretch to Austin. Last night was pretty rough, but mostly because we were running off of pretty much no sleep. We got some good rest today so we should be fine until tomorrow morning.
Austin here we come ;).
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This is the first post via my Blackberry after messing with the mobile poster a bit. I have tags working and all that so now I can send updates from anywhere ;).
Should make my upcoming Austin roadtrip nice and fun ^_^.
It was never something that I could quite put into words. I desperately grasped for words that were suitable placeholders for the thoughts and emotions. I may never have come close to capturing it, but the search inspired a wide variety of ramblings. Perhaps I was too naive to see it; maybe it was my immaturity that prevented me from understanding it. Whatever the case may be, the curtains have been drawn this evening.
The better explanation may be that I knew what would happen if I truly understood that I was never really chasing anything. To be more specific, I was chasing a void that I had warped and twisted into my blinding definition of reality, of existence, and the universe itself.
If you imagined it as a string, it would be the one that thing linked me to so many of the people that I know. It would be my one link to forgotten memories and sensations that I quickly outgrew so many years ago. No, it was much more than this. It was more than a link to this “missed childhood” that I tend to speak so negatively of, but have never truly regretted for an instant. It was my escape from the pressures of adulthood that I, despite my maturity, was never truly ready for.
The conclusion from a glance into my recent reflection: I’m reforming my reason for writing. I once considered myself as observant; I had lost that until very recently.
It’s very rare that I stumble upon a song that really moves me. That’s not to say that I’m not deeply in love with a lot of the music that I listen to — I rarely listen to music that I’m not infatuated with. There are some songs, however, that just resonate in my ears at a level that’s just so different than any other. Whenever I find a song like this, I have to learn how to sing it and I have to learn how to play it. My most recent obsession has been a cover of Upwards Over the Mountain by Jesse Lacey — originally performed by Iron & Wine.
I am making it a point to create my own versions of these discoveries from now on. I usually do it in the privacy of my own home but I’m going a little more public with it. I will post them here for everyone as I make them. I’ll start them off with my cover of Upwards Over The Mountain:
The others are covered so frequently that I’m not incredibly motivated to make my own versions.
Anyone have any suggestions?
It’s 2:46am and I cannot sleep for the life of me. I tried for about an hour and a half, while listening to classical music and staring at my ceiling, but there’s just too much on my mind.
I don’t have much to say tonight so I’ll just relax, watch some Scrubs, and program my heart out.
Sometimes I forget how public my thoughts truly can be and how easy it is for people to experience my raw thoughts without having them filtered and placed into context. When I vent my thoughts are in their rawest form. Unfortunately, this also means I lose a sense of professional decorum and a general sense of what’s appropriate. It also has the tendency to make me come off as nothing short of an arrogant jackass.
Let’s focus these entries on my personal life. I’ll continue to write about whatever I feel needs to be written. However, I think I might focus a little more on the decision process used to determine what’s appropriate for public display.
I can’t get to sleep tonight and I’m not even tired. I don’t really feel like I have anything good to say either, but I feel the need to write something. I always have something to say - it just might take a while to get it out of me.
I’ve decided that I might want a relationship. If you know me well at all, this might be a bit of a surprise. I’m typically one to keep to myself and not pursue any sort of commitments that don’t revolve around my career so yeah, it’s kind of a big deal. That’s not to say that I’ve met anyone that made me change my mind…actually, I wish that was the case. Instead, it’s the the desire to meet someone that will make me want to change my mind about a few things.
It’s tough to meet people out here. People get so upset with me when I say that - as if their anger could potentially change my situation? Yeah, I want to meet people but I don’t want to meet just ANYONE. I don’t want to have one of those conversations that make me want to hang myself. Trust me, I have plenty of those and I’m getting a little sick of them. I just want to connect with someone, anyone. It’s getting tough out here without that personal connection.
It really is a new year. I’ve severed all communication with so many people that it feels…weird? I’m not sure if that covers it properly or not. Nevertheless, I’m in a pretty severe isolation mode right now and I want nothing more than to break out of it.
I need to get out and explore. Any ideas of what I can do to meet people that can have a decent conversation?
All horribleness aside, I am humbled today. I’ll save a templated “here’s what happened” email to send to those who are interested as I would prefer not to discuss it in an entry.
Humbled really is the perfect word as these events have made me realize just how easy it is to make a mistake. I often forget how much ground you need to cover to make sure you never slip up. More importantly, I forget that it’s impossible. It was just a blinding realization that everything you’ve worked for can be taken from you in a matter of seconds. It’s helping me re-prioritize my life a little, to say the least.
There’s too many thoughts floating through my head to make another pseudo-coherent paragraph. I wish you well and hope that your day was better than and as enlightening as mine.
I think “taking a break from writing” is somewhat of an oxymoron for me. Given the fact that writing is the form my relaxation most frequently takes, you would think that the “break” is kind of…you know, bundled together with that. I’ve found that that’s really not the case.
It’s like I intentionally try to forget that I don’t have to dig deep when I write. I tell myself over and over that it really is acceptable to simply start writing with no particular purpose in mind. Hell, it’s actually one of my favorite things to do but instead I pull an empty page and stare off into space. However, I must admit, this past week I tried my best to stay away from the computer as much as possible. In fact, I tried to stay away from everything as much as possible. You see, this was my week of recovery after the train-wreck that preceded it. If you haven’t heard that story, then I’m not sure where you’ve been. For the sake of the parties involved, I didn’t post the details but if you’re interested, I’m more than willing to share. I’d like to think I have the narration down perfect by now 
I’m out of my hibernation/funk now, though. As always, I’m a brand new person. Can the discovery or recreation of your identity really become cliché? I mean, I guess anything can but that just seems somewhat weird to me. I just tend to do it so often that it’s nothing spectacular anymore.
“Josh changed his perspective on life”
“Oh yeah, I read that entry. When event X happened?”
“Oh no, that was yesterday. You didn’t hear about event Y?”
Maybe it’s not THAT often but it feels like it lately. If it’s not extensively flirting with a good friend, I’m ruining a moment I used to obsess over. Either that or I’m being tortured by a freaking psycho.
All that said, it’s been an adventurous year! God, I’m a little scared to see what’s next.
It’s an interesting thing to come face to face with reality. The ridiculous part about it is that you thought you were staring at it the entire time. Sometimes it’s like waking from a night of perfect sleep. Other times it’s like getting hit with a semi-truck. The situation at hand, sadly, is the latter. It’s the foundation of a suite of daydreams and the final touches on the worst nightmare you’ll have in years. Regardless of the circumstances, I believe every one of you has experienced exactly what I’m talking about. It’s the realization that your world is upside down and even though you think you saw it coming, you never knew how drastic it would be. We learn, we grow, and we adapt but it doesn’t take away from the profoundness of the moment.
It’s like I was looking in the buildings for my reflection. I was waiting for that moment where you see yourself in a whole new light and everything changes from your side. I was privileged enough to feel it from both ends this time around. I saw my reflection in the beauty of the skyline. There’s something about unplanned travel that gets me. It’s one thing to plan your getaway to some foreign land, but it can be equally as invigorating to have a day to pack before hitting the streets of NYC and finding yourself wandering Times Square.
It was the quite an experience and, even though it could have been better, it was exactly what I needed. City lights get me every time. Soon I’ll be staring at the lights of Tokyo again. Until then, however, I’m content with where I am.
Enjoy some pictures: http://picasaweb.google.com/rnCodePoet/MyNewYorkAdventure
