Art of Growing Old

All horribleness aside, I am humbled today. I’ll save a templated “here’s what happened” email to send to those who are interested as I would prefer not to discuss it in an entry.

Humbled really is the perfect word as these events have made me realize just how easy it is to make a mistake. I often forget how much ground you need to cover to make sure you never slip up. More importantly, I forget that it’s impossible. It was just a blinding realization that everything you’ve worked for can be taken from you in a matter of seconds. It’s helping me re-prioritize my life a little, to say the least.

There’s too many thoughts floating through my head to make another pseudo-coherent paragraph. I wish you well and hope that your day was better than and as enlightening as mine.

I think “taking a break from writing” is somewhat of an oxymoron for me. Given the fact that writing is the form my relaxation most frequently takes, you would think that the “break” is kind of…you know, bundled together with that. I’ve found that that’s really not the case.

It’s like I intentionally try to forget that I don’t have to dig deep when I write. I tell myself over and over that it really is acceptable to simply start writing with no particular purpose in mind. Hell, it’s actually one of my favorite things to do but instead I pull an empty page and stare off into space. However, I must admit, this past week I tried my best to stay away from the computer as much as possible. In fact, I tried to stay away from everything as much as possible. You see, this was my week of recovery after the train-wreck that preceded it. If you haven’t heard that story, then I’m not sure where you’ve been. For the sake of the parties involved, I didn’t post the details but if you’re interested, I’m more than willing to share. I’d like to think I have the narration down perfect by now

I’m out of my hibernation/funk now, though. As always, I’m a brand new person. Can the discovery or recreation of your identity really become cliché? I mean, I guess anything can but that just seems somewhat weird to me. I just tend to do it so often that it’s nothing spectacular anymore.

“Josh changed his perspective on life”
“Oh yeah, I read that entry. When event X happened?”
“Oh no, that was yesterday. You didn’t hear about event Y?”

Maybe it’s not THAT often but it feels like it lately. If it’s not extensively flirting with a good friend, I’m ruining a moment I used to obsess over. Either that or I’m being tortured by a freaking psycho.

All that said, it’s been an adventurous year! God, I’m a little scared to see what’s next.

It’s an interesting thing to come face to face with reality. The ridiculous part about it is that you thought you were staring at it the entire time. Sometimes it’s like waking from a night of perfect sleep. Other times it’s like getting hit with a semi-truck. The situation at hand, sadly, is the latter. It’s the foundation of a suite of daydreams and the final touches on the worst nightmare you’ll have in years. Regardless of the circumstances, I believe every one of you has experienced exactly what I’m talking about. It’s the realization that your world is upside down and even though you think you saw it coming, you never knew how drastic it would be. We learn, we grow, and we adapt but it doesn’t take away from the profoundness of the moment.

It’s like I was looking in the buildings for my reflection. I was waiting for that moment where you see yourself in a whole new light and everything changes from your side. I was privileged enough to feel it from both ends this time around. I saw my reflection in the beauty of the skyline. There’s something about unplanned travel that gets me. It’s one thing to plan your getaway to some foreign land, but it can be equally as invigorating to have a day to pack before hitting the streets of NYC and finding yourself wandering Times Square.

It was the quite an experience and, even though it could have been better, it was exactly what I needed. City lights get me every time. Soon I’ll be staring at the lights of Tokyo again. Until then, however, I’m content with where I am.

Enjoy some pictures: http://picasaweb.google.com/rnCodePoet/MyNewYorkAdventure

My pipe dreams are seeming more and more worth fighting for.

Call it a loss of control…or maybe it’s a birth of freedom? To be honest, I’m not sure it matters what you call it. What truly matters is that this year is changing everything for me, just like I knew it would. It’s my year of adventures. My year to take the steps I’ve always been afraid to take. It’s my year to truly define myself.

For starters, I’m taking a plunge and heading to New York this weekend. Random? You have no idea… I’m terrified but imagine the adventure! I have no idea what I’m in store for and that’s alright with me. I’m finally taking some risks in my life and God, it feels better than I thought it would.

“It’s phoenix for peanuts”.

That phrase pushed me through high school. It found it’s way into the ears of so many during graduation speeches and it’s transformed in meaning more often than anything I’ve ever known. It will never be the corny phrase that was simply a phase - at least, not to me. It was direction to my direction-less life. It was motivation to my lack thereof.

Today it’s freedom in a handbag. It’s the Brooklyn Bridge.
It’s the courage I’ve needed all this time.

“I’m an early bird and a night owl. So I’m wise and I have worms.”

But seriously, I was up late again last night and somehow managed to get to work by 7:30. I have a rather large new assignment at work that I’ll begin hammering out today - hopefully. I managed to lose the files I grabbed yesterday so I figured I’d get a post in while I wait an hour for this thing to re-download.

I find myself in a new place this morning. It’s vaguely reminiscent of past memories and perhaps similar to feelings that I’ve had throughout my years but I’d like to think this time it’s different. Although…whether that’s a good thing or not has yet to be decided. Nevertheless, it’s nice to know that I haven’t become completely callous over the years. I’m still shaken up by my holiday mistakes but they’re evolving into one of those lessons I know I’ll never forget. That, in combination with the new feelings that I have, isn’t the easiest thing to deal with but I’d like to think that I’m managing. Even if I do space out for an hour every now and then.

It’s a defining moment. No matter how I look at it, I am responsible for choosing where we go from here. Do you think I have the courage?

“And we’ll never miss a party cause we keep them going constantly…”

Tonight I’m wondering what he actually meant by this. Not that the intended meaning has any true impact on what it means to me. What I’m finding more interesting is how the meaning has changed for me over the years. What I’m finding the most interesting is when I realized what it would mean to truly stay 18 forever.

I remember when it meant that I would stay alive for eternity. I never wanted to fully give in to the notion of maturity. Little did I know I had always been doomed since before I even knew better…but it was more than that. It was rebellion, it was freedom, and it was security. It was standing in the middle of the road, overlooking the city, and screaming until our lungs gave out. It was late night guitar. It was skyline.

Tonight it’s different. Maybe it’s because I remember exactly what it meant and how that has slipped through my fingers. Maybe it’s because I crossed a line I never thought I would cross. No matter what the case may be, tonight it’s a reflection. It’s a song about our past and an ode to the memories we will always wish we could relive. It’s not regret. Instead it’s a painful acceptance of the paths that we’ve chosen. Believe me, they are very painful.

The words begin to mean more to me.

You’re just jealous cause we’re young and in love
Your stomach’s filled up but you’re starved for conversation
You’re spending all your nights growing old in your bed
And you’re tearing up your photos cause you wanna forget… it’s over

It’s weird. There are photos that I would like to tear up simply because they remind me of my decisions but it’s all a part of this art of growing old.

Tonight I wiped the slate clean.

It’s that phrase that has stood out in my notebook for years. It’s also been the phrase that has intimidated me every time I’ve approached it. Perhaps it was a fear of what it truly meant or maybe it was the responsibility comes with it.

I vaguely recall winter nights being much more forgiving. The mornings seemed to stretch a little longer, smiles came more naturally, and I never felt like this.

Have you ever felt your life building up around one pivotal moment that never seems to happen? I think friendships can be defined by big moments that don’t happen. It’s nothing short of your own personal Armageddon.

You start counting down the number of people that mean more to you than a colloquial greeting. Growing apart is a strange feeling. I’m always amazed at how natural the whole process is. Whether you’ve known each other all of your life or bonded over random events that your conversations always revolve around, it’s inevitable, it’s treacherous, it’s bullshit, and it’s glorious.

Tapping into the raw portions of my mind is so painful anymore. Well-formed phrases are great for your romantic moments but that’s obviously not a part of my life right now so why should I? I’ll spend my time furthering some other area of my life and spend less time forming the empty words that make you fall.

It’s borderline insanity to be perfectly honest. You dwell on particular situations and make yourself sick to your stomach. Some drink to make the memories fade away faster and others find equally damaging vices. I think this time I’ll choose to indulge in new experiences see how quickly I can pull myself into the brand new holes that I’ve dug.

I won’t waste your time if you won’t waste mine. I’m starting my new year’s resolutions and this year my first goal is to learn from all of this.

I’ve been spending time with the family and friends and just really enjoying the holidays this year. I hope to be back with some entries soon.

I’m looking forward to hearing about everyone’s holidays ^_^.

I was almost gearing up for an entry a day situation but I didn’t exactly get a chance to write one last night…

So, this morning I woke up bright and early: 3:23am. I have absolute no idea why I woke up and I definitely can’t figure out why I wasn’t able to get to sleep afterwards. At least I had a fairly productive morning and I’ve been able to relax for a few hours before going to work. I still have a little over an hour actually.

I feel like having a great conversation. Unfortunately, everyone here (coffee shop) is talking on their headsets or actively participating in their own discussions. I have this craving to debate over issues that really matter to me. Whether it be politics, religion, technology, I don’t really care what the topic is. I just get so bored of small talk and the various other forms of b.s. you get everyday.

I miss getting passionate about design patterns and trying to force them on Ryan, ha ha. I miss the various discussions I’d have with Dave and how I would learn something new every time - even if it started with me explaining something to him. I miss the random thoughts that Rex and I would write on the huge white board and all of the miscellaneous projects we would start but never quite finish. I swear, I wish we all worked together. The possibilities really would be endless.

Even the small talk wasn’t bad at Neumont. We didn’t always have to be talking about something too intense. I had a great group of close friends and we got to watch each other grow in our skill sets and excel in the things we’re passionate about. It was really was the greatest two years of my life. I just wish it didn’t go by so fast.

I’m noticing that it might be one of those experiences that no one else can understand. Our way of thinking is so different than everyone else I’ve encountered. It’s hard to explain my experience in segments because I honestly believe that everything I learned is connected. It’s hard to explain taking XML with Matt Curland without jumping into how it helped me in NORMA. It’s hard to talk about NORMA without having to explain ORM…and the cycle continues forever.

I miss it all. That’s not to say that I’m not happy where I am, quite the contrary actually. I’m just realizing that I keep looking for what I had. More importantly, I’m realizing that I’m not going to find it. That’s ok, though.

It’s just all the more reason to bring us back together.

Maybe the second time around will be slightly more productive. Sometimes I write five opening paragraphs before I find the one that will eventually lead to more. That might not be fair to say. I think they would each lead to an entry by themselves but it’s a matter of how I truly feel at the time…or perhaps it’s the feelings that I want to convey because I’m sure each one is just as real as the other.

I find it difficult to write about something that’s universally interesting - perhaps this stems from my desire to have some sort of “popular blog” that people would want to read on a daily basis. That may very well happen someday when I find that one thing that everyone wants to read about. Until then, you can enjoy the entries that will lead up to it.

Sometimes I like to steal a line from the song of the day and run with it. It’s not that I feel I could do better. No, that couldn’t be farther from the truth. The truth is, I don’t believe anyone can do it better and I like to contribute what it truly means to me.

“The time has come for colds and overcoats”

Maybe it’s a feeling we all get this time of year or perhaps it’s simply something that I wish we could all share. It’s that glimmering hope of the magic of the season. It’s the morning you wake up and smell the change in weather. It’s that night you drive passed post-Thanksgiving decorations and feel December.

Everything’s a little more of everything. The air is a little colder and the nights are a little longer.

I’d like to think that everything’s a little more wonderful.