Art of Growing Old

My pipe dreams are seeming more and more worth fighting for.

Call it a loss of control…or maybe it’s a birth of freedom? To be honest, I’m not sure it matters what you call it. What truly matters is that this year is changing everything for me, just like I knew it would. It’s my year of adventures. My year to take the steps I’ve always been afraid to take. It’s my year to truly define myself.

For starters, I’m taking a plunge and heading to New York this weekend. Random? You have no idea… I’m terrified but imagine the adventure! I have no idea what I’m in store for and that’s alright with me. I’m finally taking some risks in my life and God, it feels better than I thought it would.

“It’s phoenix for peanuts”.

That phrase pushed me through high school. It found it’s way into the ears of so many during graduation speeches and it’s transformed in meaning more often than anything I’ve ever known. It will never be the corny phrase that was simply a phase - at least, not to me. It was direction to my direction-less life. It was motivation to my lack thereof.

Today it’s freedom in a handbag. It’s the Brooklyn Bridge.
It’s the courage I’ve needed all this time.

Tonight I wiped the slate clean.

It’s that phrase that has stood out in my notebook for years. It’s also been the phrase that has intimidated me every time I’ve approached it. Perhaps it was a fear of what it truly meant or maybe it was the responsibility comes with it.

I vaguely recall winter nights being much more forgiving. The mornings seemed to stretch a little longer, smiles came more naturally, and I never felt like this.

Have you ever felt your life building up around one pivotal moment that never seems to happen? I think friendships can be defined by big moments that don’t happen. It’s nothing short of your own personal Armageddon.

You start counting down the number of people that mean more to you than a colloquial greeting. Growing apart is a strange feeling. I’m always amazed at how natural the whole process is. Whether you’ve known each other all of your life or bonded over random events that your conversations always revolve around, it’s inevitable, it’s treacherous, it’s bullshit, and it’s glorious.

Tapping into the raw portions of my mind is so painful anymore. Well-formed phrases are great for your romantic moments but that’s obviously not a part of my life right now so why should I? I’ll spend my time furthering some other area of my life and spend less time forming the empty words that make you fall.

It’s borderline insanity to be perfectly honest. You dwell on particular situations and make yourself sick to your stomach. Some drink to make the memories fade away faster and others find equally damaging vices. I think this time I’ll choose to indulge in new experiences see how quickly I can pull myself into the brand new holes that I’ve dug.

I won’t waste your time if you won’t waste mine. I’m starting my new year’s resolutions and this year my first goal is to learn from all of this.