Art of Growing Old

In a combination of tears and synthetic surprise, we bowed our heads in sorrow as though our hearts weren’t as black as the ties we all chose to wear. Perhaps it was the presumed self-applauding sob or a transparent tear that won the crowd. It was as if one tear would make up for your apparent loss of regret; a glorious performance worthy of Broadway, no less.

We hung pictures and lit candles, following the mindless routines of millions who’ve entrusted their hopes and dreams into melting wax. Perhaps we’ll soon attend a similar gathering for the loss of inviolability as devotion shifts to conformity but we were not here to discuss this.

We were not there to argue,
We were not allowed to question,
We simply could not fight back the tears.

In a visual sensation of your last standing breath, we awaited our turn to graciously award you our sympathy. We wrapped it tight in hand-made baskets, filled with scented hopes, and handed them over in our Sunday’s best as we blessed you with our deflated remarks.

I sincerely wish we knew what the hell we’ve become.

It’s interesting to construct the pieces of time that I had once lost into my story. I’m finding myself between the cracks.

There are a number of people who experience the awful sensation of not being able to sleep - about 11.76% of Americans do actually (according to statistics found on various pages throughout the internet). There are number of types of this disease and I’m quite sure that plenty of people have endured much greater hardships than I have. Nevertheless, this story is about me and this section is about my battle with that demon.

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Perhaps defeat wasn’t the right term - I believe you have to actually fight in order to face defeat. I did nothing of the sort. In fact, for one month, I had completely given up. However, I was slowly beginning to realize how permanent my situation was becoming. One evening everything came together in my mind and I realized that this wasn’t a temporary adventure. This was my life, my career, and everything that I have been longing for. The burning desire to fight had risen inside of me.

tomorrow I’m going nuclear.

OK, so it wasn’t exactly an overnight process. Instead, it took me several days to fully understand what it was that I was planning on doing. I knew that I was unhappy, but I had no idea what I was looking for. Was it a different department? Was it a different company? These were questions that had to be answered.

I tossed and turned for an eternity. Little did I know that I had spent merely five minutes fighting a battle that would take me weeks to resolve…it was the first of many nights that I would stare at the ceiling and attempt to answer the questions that were lingering in my mind. The days were drifting by and I was losing myself to the loneliness of a new city. I spent countless hours reading, watching episodes of Scrubs, and sitting in coffee shops wishing only to meet someone new. It was a constant struggle to understand what was happening to me and what it all meant.

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One of the things I find the most interesting is that often times when we are “searching for ourselves” we aren’t ready for the realizations that we are about to face. I’d venture to say that half the time, the results of are journey are there all along – we just don’t really know how to see them.

Insomnia affects your world in ways that you’re never truly prepared for. Sometimes you’re lucky enough to unleash your subconscious into the world and accomplish great things. Other times, you’re introduced to the side of yourself with no energy, no motivation, and absolutely no talent for anything. I was a member of this so-called unlucky few.

It’s difficult to explain what happened after this without sounding too dramatic. It was a series of let downs that all started with the same basic premise: there was hope within the company. You see, there is always “hope” within the company, this is true. However, this “hope” that they speak is so terribly far away that I don’t feel it’s even worth mentioning.

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Every day was a new day to repeat my old mistakes. I had no idea what they were, of course. From my perspective, I was stuck in an endless loop and I had no idea how to get out of it. I was simply waiting for someone to break me from my habit. Of course, that rarely happens when we “want” it to, now does it?

I was irritated, impatient, frustrated, and empty. We all fall into the cycle of our mundane routines but this felt different. I began pushing, wiggling, squirming my way through any and every crack in the system to simply get a taste of fresh air. What’s interesting is that these actions were almost anticipated. No matter where I ended up, I was met with the stale taste of recycled air.

My so-called improvements were not moving anywhere and I was fully aware of this by now. I was blocked from every angle. Special favors were no longer an option and I received the final word on my numerous transfer requests: we’ll talk about it again in a couple of years. Let’s focus on bringing value to this department in the here and now.

I could feel myself starting to understand the plans for keeping me locked and I was scared. I was scared of what it meant.

For the first time in my life, I didn’t have a plan for any second of my immediate future.

I can vaguely remember a time when I didn’t have a fairly detailed plan for the next five years of my life. However, the details are a bit foggy because I think I was more concerned with playing at recess with the other members of my 2nd grade class. Come on, seriously, everyone that’s ever met me knew that I would be doing “something with computers”.

As I grew older, I began to realize that I had a natural ability to assume leadership positions. That’s not to say that I was very good at leading, but I at least had that natural gift of assuming the responsibilities. More importantly, it was something that I quickly began to love to do. Whether we were planning a weekend outing or beginning to form the basis for what would eventually become a team of gifted software developers, I seemed to always be guiding the decisions.

My college experience quickly humbled me and forced me to learn the disciplines behind leadership and the importance of particular aspects of it that I had completely neglected. At the end of my college career, I had gained valuable experience that had formed the exact description of my dream job. I knew my strengths, I knew my weaknesses, and I was ready to leverage them to do my job to the best of my ability. The passion that I have for this work is what defines me as a person. When I graduated, I was ready to finally release my full potential. I was ready to truly give it my all and see what I could do.

You see, this wasn’t something that came out of nowhere. I tried my best to postpone the inevitable but really, you can only be so effective in doing so. No, this has been building up for months now. Three months ago I started a journey that lead me here. I’m away from everything I’ve ever known and wondering how I could have let it go so far.

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It was slowly starting to all come together in my mind. The important thing I was starting to realize was that despite it making sense, it was not acceptable. Time was moving and I was standing still. A week went by and I forgot to miss it. I was beginning to have more difficulty sleeping and I felt myself changing. The frustrations were growing and the people close to me were hearing about it. I was three weeks into my adventure and I sat down to write the following:

When you cross me with Corporate America…

It results in an oddly formed, restricted, ambitious employee who flirts with mediocrity and over-achievements on a daily basis.

It becomes a struggle to maintain consistency. I am awarded for my efforts and restricted by an attempt to maintain a general system of conformity. Every step is then only a small piece of a well-calculated plan. You can’t blame it. You can’t fight it. You can only learn and abide by the rules - even if it is only to change them.

Work cannot be given quickly enough to keep me busy. I actively search for new assignments and began finding ways to evolve processes. However, each request for approval or information is met with yet another delay. For all you fellow Neumont-mates, I’m beginning to think that we’re too prepared. I’m used to a constant stream of work. Who would have thought that it gets easier?

This is where my life is today. I suppose I’m not one that can remain idle for very long. I need evolution and I need change. Perhaps I’ll be rewarded for this.

It felt good to vent but there was a new feeling. What if the wrong people read this? I had never once felt that fear and I immediately regretted it. Suddenly I realized that I was the result I had just described and it wasn’t who I wanted to be. I needed to get in touch my roots, I needed to drive change, and I needed to start writing a lot more.

A month passed by before I wrote my next entry and I did nothing to stop it.

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Have you ever lost a month? I’m calling it the month of defeat. Absolutely nothing came out of that month. I didn’t write and I don’t recall communicating with very many people. I attempted to adopt new routines but none of them stuck. Even the insomnia started to take over.

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I was approaching the two month mark of employment and I had nothing to show for it. The apparent loss of a month had completely corrupted my progress in identifying the underlying problem. It was another lonely Saturday evening and I sat down to write:

I feel lost. Those simple words contain more meaning and fear than any that I have spoke in the last few years of my life. It seems as though there are too many things keeping me from moving forward at the rate that I want. Professionally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. When I don’t write about these things, I don’t internalize them. Instead, they float around and plague me with despair and I typically have no idea what is wrong with me.

I’m not sure what it is. Maybe it’s the overwhelming sensation that I don’t belong here as much as I once thought I did.

Everything is a distraction.
I’ve had so many that I don’t even remember what it is I was first trying to do.

It was all starting to sink in and I would soon find myself truly starting to fight.

“I need to discuss this with development”, sometimes I still wonder if this is an OK thing to do. Either way, when someone catches me on messenger to corner me on a problem that I don’t have a solution to just yet, this is usually my answer if I don’t already have a solution. Well, this is the only action item I have on my plate this morning. Let me email development and wait until next week for a response.

Hey, the new episode of the Office is out…

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I started with the basics and that was hard enough (in a very unconventional way). I begged for work so that I could start getting a feel for the true nature of the job. Let’s face it, you can only learn so much from studying up on specifications and pretending to solve problems. So I began with the small problems, started getting a feel for how to go about certain things and ran into the same frustrations that everyone does in a large company. I was 15 minutes into my first problem and I was already screaming “WHERE THE HELL IS THE DOCUMENTATION?”.

The component I was working with was massive. It seemed like my colleagues shared this dark humor in the notion of ever truly mastering the entire thing. I wanted to know everything about it. I began tearing through the specifications more heavily - now that I had gotten a feel for the true application of the knowledge I had a better idea what to be paying attention to.

Even if you are a complete geek, these specifications aren’t something you’re going to find yourself reading at a coffee shop because it’s fun. At least not more than once…I started boiling the job down to it’s simplest form so that I could find that “common denominator” between the terminologies and technologies (theirs and…well, the rest of the world’s). I wrote the following down in the first and last page of my notebook (it’s been filtered of “geek” as much as I could):

“This department maintains the Security component…as we implement solutions to defects, we make them available to our customers. In order to do so, we logically have to have access to the same code. Therefore, we have to have some form of source control to keep track of versions…and no one here has even heard of Subversion so my next job is figure out what we use.”

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Yeah, I found it alright. This is where it all started going downhill, so of course I remember finding it.

Geeks:

I’m going to break character here to describe this to you: I want you to imagine Visual Source Safe being written for and hosted via a mainframe and you can find files via one of the WORST UI’s I have ever come across.

For all of you non-geeks, the geeks that are reading this cringed and probably vomited a little bit when they read that statement.

Anyway, so I had just found out how everything works…or rather attempts to work…

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I felt frustrated but I knew that I shouldn’t be. After all, Neumont didn’t just teach some mindless approach to software development. I adopted some very important philosophies from my instructors. The “Junk Theory” began ringing in my ears as I began to settle down from my distaste with the particular solution to this problem. “Just because I haven’t heard of something, does not mean that it’s any better or worse than what I have heard of”.

I began sampling more and more of the problems of my co-workers to get a better feel for the types of problems I would actually be working with. I should try a Venn diagram of where the problems intersect. There might be one or two shared areas? Seriously, every problem was fairly unique and it was about a 50/50 chance of it being a configuration-based problem or any actual defect. It was our job to figure that out - although in a perfect world we would only see the defects…

 

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I keep interrupting my own story but yes, “in a perfect world” lots of things would happen, wouldn’t they? In a perfect world, Scrubs would be real and I would be best friends with JD. But that’s not happening, now is it?

OK, seriously, I heard this phrase for every other problem that came up. It’s NOT a perfect world, so what the hell are we going to do about it?

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Time went on, as it always does, and I was becoming active in the team. I was trying to push through the negative thoughts that were entering my mind…and the internal conflicts I was battling throughout the day. On a lighter note, I was beginning to get along with my teammates. Obviously the age different was a barrier for humor…but nevertheless, I felt I had been forming a bond with my teammates.

So there I was, in an imperfect world and trying to make the best of it. Despite the recent bond with my team, I felt like something was wrong. I was determined to put my finger on it…but in the meantime, I was beginning to question my decision. I closed my laptop and called it quits for my second week.

It’s 8:30 and I have a few options. Thanks to the wonders of the Internet:

a.) I have a job
b.) I can perform the responsibilities of said job from virtually anywhere in the world.

So what’s it going to be today? Well, I really don’t feel like driving anywhere this morning…

“Team,
I’ll be working from home today.”

Email sent. Now I’ll make myself some breakfast while I wait for some replies…

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I was standing in line for security and still wondering exactly how all of my transportation plans were going to work out. Can I get a cab when I land? Do they provide a shuttle? To be honest, I had no idea where the resort was or where I was in relation to the resort. I felt fine, though. I was on my way to orientation and I was excited. It turned out that the arrangements were a lot simpler than I had imagined. I landed very close by and, after a 15 minute cab ride, I was checking in and walking to my room.Those two days were absolutely brilliant. Mingling with people who had been with the company for years and were switching departments, meeting people who were transitioning into their new positions after years in the industry, and only two of us who were coming straight out of college (coincidentally, we were both Neumont graduates). Perhaps I should have picked up on the pattern that the majority of the people I met who were “moving up” had began their career with the company, left for higher paying jobs, and were now returning. I left with a number of things firmly ingrained in my mind. I think there’s a term for this…ah, yes, “brainwashed”. Yes, I had been brainwashed.To be fair, it wasn’t all deception. In fact, I strongly believe that the majority of information given to all those attending was accurate. The values, goals, and overall direction of the company had been communicated effectively. I was motivated to make these values and goals my own and begin moving in the same direction immediately. The philosophies are brilliant and I will argue this with anyone.

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“What’s the problem then?” is what you’re probably thinking to yourself right about now. In fact, I’m kind of hoping that you are. You see, it’s this perception of perfection that has driven me to where I am right now. The very fact that it could be incorrect has to be supported by some shocking story of betrayal, corruption, or something equally has exciting. It’s the climax of the story, if you will. I don’t intend to deprive you of such a thing, but I kindly ask that you wait patiently as more explanation is in order first.If you’re thinking that this is merely an explanation of “why I left my previous employer” then I hope you will look deeper. This is realization of my dreams, the process of my maturity, a revelation in perspectives, and potentially more of a “coming of age” tale. You see, I originally anticipated this to be exactly what you might have thought it would be. Now I see it for what it truly is and no, I don’t see an end in sight. I might break the rules and ruin the false sense of consistency you might have picked up on. However, I do hope that you’ll continue reading.

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It had been quite the adventure by then. I had missed my flight (which I didn’t completely mind since I got a chance to hang with my favorite cousin for a couple of hours and crash on his floor) and I was up early that morning to catch the first available flight from D.C. to Raleigh. I drank probably an entire pot of coffee along the way and was still trying to find the strength to keep my eyes open. Nevertheless, I ran into my apartment, took a nice shower, threw on some more appropriate clothing and I was off to the office to meet up with my mentor. Turns out they weren’t kidding about the relaxed dress code after all…I had been warned about a number of things during orientation and was expecting the following:

1. I would be in meetings more often than not
2. Most meetings had nothing to do with me
3. Every meeting would use a million and one different acronyms and I wouldn’t have a single clue as to what any of them meant

Well, it was my first day and I was in my first meeting. The first five minutes were about me - welcoming me on to the team. After the nice warm welcome, they launched into a large discussion about procedures, acronyms given to subsequent items within those procedures, and they used plenty of inner-team lingo. No, I’m not afraid to admit that I have absolutely no idea what went on during that meeting. I vaguely recall the participants but I can’t even be 100% sure about that. I did make quite a lengthy list of the acronyms though and was determined to figure out what every one of them meant (for reference, I never did learn all of them).

I spent the day meeting new people, talking with my manager, getting my workstation setup and beginning to understand just what it was that I would actually be doing. I had a high-level of understanding of everything that was just explained to me. I would liken it to being “book-smart” without having any true experience to support said knowledge. “What happens when scenario x occurs and the client is asking for y?” I had the answer memorized in my mind but I was beginning to wonder when or how I would ever internalize any of it.

On top of learning the interesting processes (and the lovely programs used to manage them) I had to learn the actual component of which I would be working with. I began burying myself in technical specifications, product documentation, and <insert millions of technical terms here>. I quickly began to have a high-level understanding of what it was that I would be maintaining. Now, if you know anything about my technical background…the previously term was put in “bold” for a specific reason: you probably know that it’s not something that I would ultimately choose as my career path. I knew this but the flexibility that I had heard so much about allowed me not to worry about this so much. Four days into this phase, I was bored.

“The average employee takes x weeks to…” I stopped him right there. You see, I’ve never been a fan of having these types of phrases recited to me when they ultimately just do not apply. I fully understand the purpose and need for such phrases. I argue that the people that recite them to others do not have this understanding. From a higher-level management perspective, these phrases are excellent. It helps keep statistics at a satisfactory level and allows processes to be formed to optimize the amount of resources that are spent on transitioning an employee into a new department. However, these phrases are not particularly useful for those employees that understand the material and have the motivation to move forward. In fact, they’re just the opposite. They hold you back and completely disable your ability to excel.

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I can still feel the frustrations, can you? Your passion is to push the envelope, drive change, take leadership responsibilities, and truly exceed expectations. How do you feel when you’re incapable of doing so? These frustrations didn’t surface right away. Oh no, there was no way that this could possibly happen, I was sure of that. I HAD to figure out how one goes about doing the things that I wanted to do. It has to happen all the time, right?

“Let’s have you read the material one more time and stretch it across the next couple of weeks. After all, the average employee takes x weeks to…”

This morning I realized I had come so far for reasons that even I had forgotten by then. I stared at the ceiling fan waiting for the next chance to hit snooze. I knew I was only prolonging it, but the day seems much more daunting when you’ve just found out that you’re 2000 miles away from everything that you’ve grown to love. 7:30? I can still sleep for another hour…

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Finally, it was time for the real interviews. I had been prepping for this my entire life. This had been my passion, my life-force, and my one dream for as long as I can remember. I’d committed my life to this skill set and now it was time to see it all payoff.

They came and went but none of them truly caught my attention. Then I opened a new email to find that I would be interviewing with the Big Blue in a few short days. “This is it!”, I thought to myself as I began thinking of all the additional things I could do to prepare for this. Three days later I was waiting in the lobby, resume and notebook in hand, awaiting my time to shine.

It was perfect. The tension was low from start to finish as we immediately found a mutual humor to alleviate it before it arose. In fact, the first five minutes we discussed snow-boarding and skiing in the lovely mountains of Utah. We ended on a positive note after I knocked the problem solving question out of the park. You can ask anyone that was around me that day, I was feeling on top of the world.

A couple of weeks later the calls had coming in and I had some decisions to make. Do I want to move to Boston? What about Atlanta? None of these sounded very exciting to me…and then Raleigh lit up my life (in more ways than one).

The description was perfect. The area wasn’t exactly my preferred choice, but why not, right? Let’s pack up and go! It may not have been the ideal position for me, but it sounded like I could move around pretty easily. I was assured by everyone I asked, people switch departments all the time. I could show up, rock the boat, get recognized, and be on my way up in no time. My belongings were in boxes and I was on a flight across the country before I even truly thought it through.

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It seems a little…melodramatic doesn’t it? What could have been so bad that I’m lying here complaining to you? I assure you, this is not an exaggeration. These are the effects that Corporate America has on guys like me.

Oh, they’ll throw millions of dollars into the paintings that you so easily adopt into your minds of innovation, creativity, and efficiency. The end-all solution, if you will, where great minds go to think. They do an excellent job, don’t you think?

You’re free to innovate and you’re free to streamline efficiency….but before you do, can you check with Bill? He has to give the OK on all new ideas. Oh, I’m sorry, Bill’s out of the office today. Can you check with Karen instead? Oh, this a cross-department initiative, let’s get Jim in on this discussion. Oh, Jim’s unavailable right now.

Can we reschedule this for next month?