Art of Growing Old

“And we’ll never miss a party cause we keep them going constantly…”

Tonight I’m wondering what he actually meant by this. Not that the intended meaning has any true impact on what it means to me. What I’m finding more interesting is how the meaning has changed for me over the years. What I’m finding the most interesting is when I realized what it would mean to truly stay 18 forever.

I remember when it meant that I would stay alive for eternity. I never wanted to fully give in to the notion of maturity. Little did I know I had always been doomed since before I even knew better…but it was more than that. It was rebellion, it was freedom, and it was security. It was standing in the middle of the road, overlooking the city, and screaming until our lungs gave out. It was late night guitar. It was skyline.

Tonight it’s different. Maybe it’s because I remember exactly what it meant and how that has slipped through my fingers. Maybe it’s because I crossed a line I never thought I would cross. No matter what the case may be, tonight it’s a reflection. It’s a song about our past and an ode to the memories we will always wish we could relive. It’s not regret. Instead it’s a painful acceptance of the paths that we’ve chosen. Believe me, they are very painful.

The words begin to mean more to me.

You’re just jealous cause we’re young and in love
Your stomach’s filled up but you’re starved for conversation
You’re spending all your nights growing old in your bed
And you’re tearing up your photos cause you wanna forget… it’s over

It’s weird. There are photos that I would like to tear up simply because they remind me of my decisions but it’s all a part of this art of growing old.

Tonight I wiped the slate clean.

It’s that phrase that has stood out in my notebook for years. It’s also been the phrase that has intimidated me every time I’ve approached it. Perhaps it was a fear of what it truly meant or maybe it was the responsibility comes with it.

I vaguely recall winter nights being much more forgiving. The mornings seemed to stretch a little longer, smiles came more naturally, and I never felt like this.

Have you ever felt your life building up around one pivotal moment that never seems to happen? I think friendships can be defined by big moments that don’t happen. It’s nothing short of your own personal Armageddon.

You start counting down the number of people that mean more to you than a colloquial greeting. Growing apart is a strange feeling. I’m always amazed at how natural the whole process is. Whether you’ve known each other all of your life or bonded over random events that your conversations always revolve around, it’s inevitable, it’s treacherous, it’s bullshit, and it’s glorious.

Tapping into the raw portions of my mind is so painful anymore. Well-formed phrases are great for your romantic moments but that’s obviously not a part of my life right now so why should I? I’ll spend my time furthering some other area of my life and spend less time forming the empty words that make you fall.

It’s borderline insanity to be perfectly honest. You dwell on particular situations and make yourself sick to your stomach. Some drink to make the memories fade away faster and others find equally damaging vices. I think this time I’ll choose to indulge in new experiences see how quickly I can pull myself into the brand new holes that I’ve dug.

I won’t waste your time if you won’t waste mine. I’m starting my new year’s resolutions and this year my first goal is to learn from all of this.

I’ve been spending time with the family and friends and just really enjoying the holidays this year. I hope to be back with some entries soon.

I’m looking forward to hearing about everyone’s holidays ^_^.

Maybe the second time around will be slightly more productive. Sometimes I write five opening paragraphs before I find the one that will eventually lead to more. That might not be fair to say. I think they would each lead to an entry by themselves but it’s a matter of how I truly feel at the time…or perhaps it’s the feelings that I want to convey because I’m sure each one is just as real as the other.

I find it difficult to write about something that’s universally interesting - perhaps this stems from my desire to have some sort of “popular blog” that people would want to read on a daily basis. That may very well happen someday when I find that one thing that everyone wants to read about. Until then, you can enjoy the entries that will lead up to it.

Sometimes I like to steal a line from the song of the day and run with it. It’s not that I feel I could do better. No, that couldn’t be farther from the truth. The truth is, I don’t believe anyone can do it better and I like to contribute what it truly means to me.

“The time has come for colds and overcoats”

Maybe it’s a feeling we all get this time of year or perhaps it’s simply something that I wish we could all share. It’s that glimmering hope of the magic of the season. It’s the morning you wake up and smell the change in weather. It’s that night you drive passed post-Thanksgiving decorations and feel December.

Everything’s a little more of everything. The air is a little colder and the nights are a little longer.

I’d like to think that everything’s a little more wonderful.

We tried so hard to change the world back then. In fact, I think we always have it in our minds that it’s something we’ll eventually do. Maybe it’s what empowers us to get out of bed every morning. One step at a time, we know something big is always ahead of us.

Everything changes as time goes by - the scary part is, time goes by much faster than you can ever prepare for. Friendships slip away no matter how hard you and try and hold on. Let’s face it, you’re different people now. Sure, you can reminisce about the times you used to have but that only lasts so long. Those conversations are perfect over a cup of coffee but sometimes that’s just as far as they go. I used to try so hard to hold on but after a while, you just learn when it’s just not worth it anymore.

I remember spending hours upon hours ensuring that “everything would run smoothly”. I stayed up late at night writing programs and configuring servers all because I knew I was working for a just cause: I believed that Bridge Academy was a place that needed to exist. I knew deep in my heart that it was the solution to so many of the problems that existed within the educational system. It was what empowered me to get up every morning. It was my “big thing”. I poured my life into that place and gained so much that I’ve never been able to fully explain it. I can’t tell you how devastated and upset I was to hear that the school is closing. I remember programming while listening to Christmas albums late at night. God, I miss it so much. It’s a sad thing to accept but it’s reached that point where it’s the only thing left to do.

Time is flying by but at least the weather here has cooled down. I’ll be home in six days and I couldn’t be happier. For those of you that I’ll be seeing soon, get ready for some fantastic times. Our conversations go way beyond just a simple cup of coffee and I’m looking forward to catching up.

I’m currently untitled right now and loving the freedom.

Sometimes your freedom is the worst restriction. You have the entire world available at your fingertips but that freedom is overwhelming. Honestly, I can write about whatever I want and I have the time to do it. I have a cup of coffee in hand and I feel on top of the world. Yet somehow I’m afraid of what people might think if they stumble upon this entry. To some extent this is a good thing as it allows me to keep some consistency in the degrees of obscenities that might be found in these entries.

Still, I think that a certain level of mental self gratification is perfectly justifiable. I mean let’s face it, sometimes it’s our only escape, right?

I change my mind so frequently that I’m dangerous. I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately. I’d like to say that it’s very deep and introspective thoughts but I’m not so sure that it has and for once, I’m ok with that. I think I get so wrapped up in this side of me that I forget to have fun sometimes. I’m getting really sick of that - and many other habits of mine.

It’s the weather here that has me going insane. It’s Christmas! Why the hell is it 70 degrees outside? When I see Christmas lights, the LAST thing I want to see is some guy running around without a shirt and in shorts. I mean, seriously, come on. It’s supposed to be the “cuddle up near a fire with hot chocolate” weather. The romanticism of the season is lost when I see a running man’s nipples and man-thighs, sorry.

How can you sing about dashing in the snow when the humidity is 84%? I love the holidays. I don’t like them to be ruined by the scorching sun or the ridiculous moisture that randomly collects on my windshield - or any surface for that matter (yes, that includes your skin). Hey, good news is that lotion and chapstick aren’t required here.

Ok, ok, I shouldn’t be complaining this time of year. It’s a new experience, that’s all. I’m looking forward to going home to see my friends and enjoy the cold weather that’s natural to this time of year. We’ll play games, make tons more hilarious memories, talk over coffee, and share the love we’ve known for years.

10 days and counting.

So I’ve decided that I’m basically in love with…well, ok, I’m in love with a lot of things. However, the two more dominant things lately are Christmas lights and coffee. Coffee has always been a love of mine ever since…well, I’m not sure that I can actually remember a time when it wasn’t. Christmas lights have become a favorite of mine over the past few years. Now when you combine these two I am in HEAVEN. Incidentally, I’m at a coffee shop drinking coffee and gazing at all the lights around me.

It’s not just any set of Christmas lights. No, that would be crazy. I’m infatuated with plain clear Christmas lights. Call me crazy but I think they’re the most beautiful just by themselves. I’m missing the lights of downtown Salt Lake City right now. I could die happy on those streets this time of year.

Reality is such a hard thing to capture anymore, you know? I think we’re so spoiled and confused on our perception of art and beauty that it’s hard to express yourself without a hint of what everyone is expecting. I don’t mind most of their expectations. In fact, I share most of them. My problem is that people forget how connected everything really is.

We use the term art so loosely yet we’re so quick to judge what’s good and what’s bad. Everything we do boils down to creativity and methodology. Perhaps you’re a skilled painter - you’re an artist and no one will argue this. A musician is just as equally an artist. Why do we draw the line on what qualifies as a form of expression?

These lines of distinction are the cause of so many problems. It’s what prevents us from understanding each other on levels that I wish we could. Your ability to paint should be equally as respected as my ability to write software. My ability requires me to be creative and methodical. I express myself through creative patterns and yet I am not an artist. I’m a ‘geek’ and, as such, the natural borders are formed around your ability to understand me - before I even speak. Your preconceived notions of our differences are what make them a reality.

It’s a mixture of many things - as everything always is. Perhaps it should be a common courtesy for you to reach for an understanding of what I do. After all, we have to try our best to understand what it is that you want. Is it not fair for us to expect at least a little effort in return? Sometimes our differences make us forget that we’re working towards a common goal and we begin to treat each other with such disrespect that it’s disheartening. This wasn’t brought up by a particular situation. Instead, it’s a mixture of experiences over several years.

I think we’re all at fault. Too often we replace the person with the title and treat them as such. Maybe it’s the holidays that are making me realize it but I’m not sure that it matters, does it?

It’s just another thing that needs to be fixed.