Art of Growing Old

I had originally planned on writing about Blue Like Jazz in its entirety but I’ve finally come to realize that it just isn’t something that I can do. I’ve been struggling to wrap my head around my thoughts and feelings about my latest read and, well, it’s not something that can be wrapped up in a single entry. It’s a continuing process of change and understanding. In fact, I think it’s safe to say that I barely took the first step today.

I think I’ll randomly take excerpts from chapters and explain how they’ve affected me. My dad is the one that recommended I read this – in fact, he bought a copy and had it shipped to me so I kind of felt obligated to read it. You see, him and I have both struggled with the modern-day church (a topic I ranted about some time ago). He told me that this book helped him wrap his head around a lot of his issues and thought that it could be of help to me as well.

I reluctantly opened to the first page and began my search for something that pissed me off. This is something I always do when I’m not exactly “excited” to do it. The first chapter was void of any of my pet peeves so I decided that I would give it a shot (and by “give it a shot”, I meant continue my search in chapter two).

“I believe that the greatest trick of the devil is not to get us into some sort of evil but rather have us wasting time. This is why the devil tries so hard to get Christians to be religious. If he can sink a man’s mind into habit, he will prevent his heart from engaging God. I was into habit. I grew up going to church, so I got used to hearing about God.”

The author had me with this one. “It was an interesting way to open the second chapter”, I thought to myself. “No, that’s not it”, I mumbled as I continued to figure out why this statement was so captivating. It happened to be a combination of a couple of things. I’ve lowered my view of my fellow “believers”, if you will, to such a point that I almost find it amazing when they say something that truly moves me. It’s the repetitive and blinding routines that seem to suck away all traces of intellectual thoughts. This one was even more interesting to me as it’s something that I had been thinking for quite some time. It was one of those issues I had that I just couldn’t put my finger on: there really can be something WRONG with being that religious.

In this chapter alone, he began to bring the concepts of Christianity to a level of humility that I could actually relate with him. Taking a very neutral stance from his faith, he very calmly and clearly stated that there is something wrong with our image and practices.  He apologized for the wrongs that I firmly believe 99% of all Christians are guilty of and convinced me that he had something genuinely interesting to say. He didn’t sound like he was writing this as a preacher and he sure as hell didn’t sound like he grew up in a temple. Instead, there was dialog that happened in every day places over current events, and broke the taboos that infuriate me.

I was officially hooked after the second chapter. I wanted to hear more from this man that clearly knew things that I didn’t. He had managed to find a way to accept his faith and not throw away his mind or his happiness. Not only that, but he still managed to present himself as someone that I would love to have a deep conversation with over coffee and not someone that I would never want to be seen with in public.

As if that wasn’t enough, I’ll leave you with the words from that back cover of the book:

“For anyone wondering if the Christian faith is still relevant in a
post-modern culture,
For anyone thirsting for a genuine encounter with a God who is real,
For anyone yearning for a renewed sense of passion in life…”

Obvious statement of the evening:

It’s a long and very intensive process to ensure that we end up with what we really need.

I originally thought that I was going to write about what I was working on this evening. Well, it’s actually what I’ve been working on for the past few months. It’s just truly amazing how long it takes to really get anything done.

We’re working on some exciting new features and working with a lot of exciting technologies. Sometimes it’s just frustrating how much of the leg work needs to get done before I can actually start doing the FUN stuff. It’s getting there but it’ll be about another week until I can get there.

This week is going to be a busy one. I doubt that I’ll get much time to write until next week (not unlike last week although last week I had time and just couldn’t find anything truly interesting to write about). I’ll be working with the exciting technologies and might have some things to show by then as well.

I finished the book I wrote about last time: Blue Like Jazz.
I’ll be writing about that very soon as well as some of the open mics I’ll be visiting soon.

Love to All,
Josh

Humidity is a pain in the ass. There’s really no way around that fact for me. I’ve come to find that I’m helpless against this anomaly. Water in the air? I grew up in a desert, come on. Obviously I knew about this before I chose to move here but, as most of you know, that’s not enough to stop me from complaining about it.

I’ve been on quite the Neutral Milk Hotel kick lately. From Holland, 1945 to Two Headed Boy, I’m quite infatuated with their lyrics. Granted, their vocal styles aren’t for everybody but the lyrics are incredible. I started off being obsessed with Jesse Lacey’s covers and now I’m enjoying the original tracks themselves. If you haven’t experienced them, I highly recommend:

• Holland, 1945 (the original as well as the cover by Canoe)
• Two Headed Boy Pt. 2 (the original as well as Jesse’s cover)
• Oh Comely (the original as well as Jesse’s cover)

I’ve also been spending most of my day listening to Steve Tannen’s latest album, Big Senorita. I highly recommend that one as well ;).

Work is still intense and it’s only going to become increasingly more stressful over the next few weeks. I knew what I was getting myself into starting this project so I can’t really complain about the situation right now; nor can I really wiggle myself out of it either. It’s the final stretch and there really is light at the end of the tunnel. Believe me, I’m looking forward to having a weekend off and being able to enjoy activities outside of work.

I’ve learned so much from this project. It’s pretty unbelievable when I think about what we’ve accomplished in the past two months. From architecture to management, I’ve really had to stretch my abilities and push the envelope for this project. It’s a complete 180 degree turn from my previous positions. There wasn’t enough to do in those positions to keep me busy for a day. Now I don’t have enough time in my day to do what I want/need!

It’s been a great project and I’m hoping that it becomes a success. I’ll be blogging more on what this success could mean for me (and what the project actually is) very soon. In the meantime, I’m going to get a little bit of sleep and get ready to finish up as much as I can tomorrow.

Friends and acquaintances are graduating left and right (so it seems). When you’re younger you think you have the answers for everything and that you’re the exception to the rule. It’s amazing how quickly people change and how easy it is to lose touch with the people you thought would always be around. It never boils down to one simple truth. I was tempted for an instant to say it boiled down to the simple fact that people change. Maybe it is as simple as that?

I think connections are always deeper than we can truly fathom. I started off writing this while thinking about someone in particular. I got halfway through that first paragraph and got a phone call. It makes me wonder how it’s possible that such fleeting thoughts could be shared. Nevertheless, it voids my resolve for discussing the original theme of this entry.

I was gone for quite some time (does anyone still read this anymore?). It’s been a hell of a week and the hours are only going to worsen over the next month. I truly enjoy the work that I’m doing so it’s not that I mind putting all of my effort into it. What I do mind is not having the time to consistently sit down and reflect. I will commit to an entry a week regardless of the circumstances and hope that I can be a bit of an overachiever on that goal.

Anyways, that’s all I have for today.

It was never something that I could quite put into words. I desperately grasped for words that were suitable placeholders for the thoughts and emotions. I may never have come close to capturing it, but the search inspired a wide variety of ramblings. Perhaps I was too naive to see it; maybe it was my immaturity that prevented me from understanding it. Whatever the case may be, the curtains have been drawn this evening.

The better explanation may be that I knew what would happen if I truly understood that I was never really chasing anything. To be more specific, I was chasing a void that I had warped and twisted into my blinding definition of reality, of existence, and the universe itself.

If you imagined it as a string, it would be the one that thing linked me to so many of the people that I know. It would be my one link to forgotten memories and sensations that I quickly outgrew so many years ago. No, it was much more than this. It was more than a link to this “missed childhood” that I tend to speak so negatively of, but have never truly regretted for an instant. It was my escape from the pressures of adulthood that I, despite my maturity, was never truly ready for.

The conclusion from a glance into my recent reflection: I’m reforming my reason for writing. I once considered myself as observant; I had lost that until very recently.

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It really feels like everything is falling into place for one big moment. For those of you who don’t already know, I am moving to Austin this week. There are many reasons for this departure and every one of them feels right. It’s not impulsive and I’m not running away.I’ll be updating on a regular basis again and I’m sure they’ll be another cover coming soon. I have a burning desire to make one of Limousine…maybe that’ll surface soon.

All horribleness aside, I am humbled today. I’ll save a templated “here’s what happened” email to send to those who are interested as I would prefer not to discuss it in an entry.

Humbled really is the perfect word as these events have made me realize just how easy it is to make a mistake. I often forget how much ground you need to cover to make sure you never slip up. More importantly, I forget that it’s impossible. It was just a blinding realization that everything you’ve worked for can be taken from you in a matter of seconds. It’s helping me re-prioritize my life a little, to say the least.

There’s too many thoughts floating through my head to make another pseudo-coherent paragraph. I wish you well and hope that your day was better than and as enlightening as mine.

It’s an interesting thing to come face to face with reality. The ridiculous part about it is that you thought you were staring at it the entire time. Sometimes it’s like waking from a night of perfect sleep. Other times it’s like getting hit with a semi-truck. The situation at hand, sadly, is the latter. It’s the foundation of a suite of daydreams and the final touches on the worst nightmare you’ll have in years. Regardless of the circumstances, I believe every one of you has experienced exactly what I’m talking about. It’s the realization that your world is upside down and even though you think you saw it coming, you never knew how drastic it would be. We learn, we grow, and we adapt but it doesn’t take away from the profoundness of the moment.

It’s like I was looking in the buildings for my reflection. I was waiting for that moment where you see yourself in a whole new light and everything changes from your side. I was privileged enough to feel it from both ends this time around. I saw my reflection in the beauty of the skyline. There’s something about unplanned travel that gets me. It’s one thing to plan your getaway to some foreign land, but it can be equally as invigorating to have a day to pack before hitting the streets of NYC and finding yourself wandering Times Square.

It was the quite an experience and, even though it could have been better, it was exactly what I needed. City lights get me every time. Soon I’ll be staring at the lights of Tokyo again. Until then, however, I’m content with where I am.

Enjoy some pictures: http://picasaweb.google.com/rnCodePoet/MyNewYorkAdventure

“And we’ll never miss a party cause we keep them going constantly…”

Tonight I’m wondering what he actually meant by this. Not that the intended meaning has any true impact on what it means to me. What I’m finding more interesting is how the meaning has changed for me over the years. What I’m finding the most interesting is when I realized what it would mean to truly stay 18 forever.

I remember when it meant that I would stay alive for eternity. I never wanted to fully give in to the notion of maturity. Little did I know I had always been doomed since before I even knew better…but it was more than that. It was rebellion, it was freedom, and it was security. It was standing in the middle of the road, overlooking the city, and screaming until our lungs gave out. It was late night guitar. It was skyline.

Tonight it’s different. Maybe it’s because I remember exactly what it meant and how that has slipped through my fingers. Maybe it’s because I crossed a line I never thought I would cross. No matter what the case may be, tonight it’s a reflection. It’s a song about our past and an ode to the memories we will always wish we could relive. It’s not regret. Instead it’s a painful acceptance of the paths that we’ve chosen. Believe me, they are very painful.

The words begin to mean more to me.

You’re just jealous cause we’re young and in love
Your stomach’s filled up but you’re starved for conversation
You’re spending all your nights growing old in your bed
And you’re tearing up your photos cause you wanna forget… it’s over

It’s weird. There are photos that I would like to tear up simply because they remind me of my decisions but it’s all a part of this art of growing old.

Tonight I wiped the slate clean.

It’s that phrase that has stood out in my notebook for years. It’s also been the phrase that has intimidated me every time I’ve approached it. Perhaps it was a fear of what it truly meant or maybe it was the responsibility comes with it.

I vaguely recall winter nights being much more forgiving. The mornings seemed to stretch a little longer, smiles came more naturally, and I never felt like this.

Have you ever felt your life building up around one pivotal moment that never seems to happen? I think friendships can be defined by big moments that don’t happen. It’s nothing short of your own personal Armageddon.

You start counting down the number of people that mean more to you than a colloquial greeting. Growing apart is a strange feeling. I’m always amazed at how natural the whole process is. Whether you’ve known each other all of your life or bonded over random events that your conversations always revolve around, it’s inevitable, it’s treacherous, it’s bullshit, and it’s glorious.

Tapping into the raw portions of my mind is so painful anymore. Well-formed phrases are great for your romantic moments but that’s obviously not a part of my life right now so why should I? I’ll spend my time furthering some other area of my life and spend less time forming the empty words that make you fall.

It’s borderline insanity to be perfectly honest. You dwell on particular situations and make yourself sick to your stomach. Some drink to make the memories fade away faster and others find equally damaging vices. I think this time I’ll choose to indulge in new experiences see how quickly I can pull myself into the brand new holes that I’ve dug.

I won’t waste your time if you won’t waste mine. I’m starting my new year’s resolutions and this year my first goal is to learn from all of this.

Well, here I am. It’s 10:30 in the morning and I can safely say that I won’t have another thing to do for the rest of the day. You’ll forgive me if I’m not terribly energetic, won’t you?

This is how I got here. This morning I finally realized that I’ve been pushing against a brick wall while my dreams were crossing the horizon. I packed my life into numbered boxes, for what? I left everyone I know and traveled across the country only to wake up this morning and realize how lonely I really am.

I was stuck in every possible way. I worked with people much older than me and by the time I got home, all I wanted to do was stay in my comfort zone. Episodes of Scrubs and The Office were playing constantly and I would spend my time calling up my family and close friends. Another week would go by and I would hardly notice. I hardly remember September.

This is wrong and I know it. This is not the person that I want to be and this is not the career that I have worked so hard for. I’ve spent countless hours studying, practicing, and pushing myself to master the material. I certainly didn’t learn the skills to sit here and not use them.

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I sat there for the majority of the day. I can’t quite explain everything that went through my head. In fact, I think my mind went blank for at least half of it. It’s a little hard to remember the devastation anymore - we tend to put such awful thoughts and feelings behind us, you know?Eventually, I updated my resume and threw it up to let the headhunters have a field day. It was a painful waiting process, that’s for sure. Call after call from people that had absolutely no idea what they were talking about - they amuse me the most. They get so comfortable stating the requirements that you can feel the confidence they have on their tongues but the second you ask a non-rehearsed question, it’s all gone.

After a couple of days worth of this amusement, I was more annoyed than anything. I had ignored the last five or six calls and just happened to pick up and then it happened. FINALLY, a .NET position. No php, mysql, java, or any of the other technologies that don’t really excite me.

The rest is trivial in comparison, really.  I had completely lost my identity and it took me months to realize it. There was more to it than regaining the identity I once had. My perspective completely changed in the process. I learned the importance of a lack of formality. More importantly, I’ve lightened up.

I mean, come on, I’m only 21 years old.

Live a little.