Art of Growing Old

It’s amazing what drives every single action you take each day. Whether it be taking the time to make your lunch for the day or deciding you’ll “order something healthy” they spiral their way back into your mind as you wind down at night. Sometimes they don’t hit you until the day after but they’ll always make their way back. Hell, I’m still wondering about my decision to stay home sick back in 8th grade.

This chain of events is obviously closed tied with your memories. My memories are almost always tangled with incomprehensible lingering emotions that are spontaneously triggered through music. The right key will transport me over oceans and years and bombard me with emotions that are just as confusing now as they were back then.

Perhaps I’ll find the key to take me to a place where my beliefs held their ground and I stood for something bigger than me and my heart and mind longed for more than the things of this world. I’m facing myself this weekend and realizing why it is that I don’t do this more often.

Do you ever wonder what happened to that person you always imagined yourself growing into? I’d like to meet him someday. Maybe he’d have a broader spectrum of knowledge and have a more active role in promoting the ideals that I tend to keep hidden. I’d like to think that we could be friends. We could sit down over coffee and he could tell me the things that I’m so obviously lacking but can’t ever quite pinpoint. It’d be an enlightening conversation I’m sure.

I’ve been reading a fascinating book today called Blue Like Jazz. The most clever description I’ve come across for it is: “Nonreligious thoughts on christian spirituality”. It might just be the only christian book that I’ve truly enjoyed since…well, EVER. I’m only half-way through but I’m sure I’ll finish it up soon enough and have plenty to discuss. In the meantime, I’ll continue to make time away from the office and away from my career. Who knows, maybe I’ll actually go on a date soon? Assuming I can find someone that is…

It’s 2:46am and I cannot sleep for the life of me. I tried for about an hour and a half, while listening to classical music and staring at my ceiling, but there’s just too much on my mind.

I don’t have much to say tonight so I’ll just relax, watch some Scrubs, and program my heart out.

All horribleness aside, I am humbled today. I’ll save a templated “here’s what happened” email to send to those who are interested as I would prefer not to discuss it in an entry.

Humbled really is the perfect word as these events have made me realize just how easy it is to make a mistake. I often forget how much ground you need to cover to make sure you never slip up. More importantly, I forget that it’s impossible. It was just a blinding realization that everything you’ve worked for can be taken from you in a matter of seconds. It’s helping me re-prioritize my life a little, to say the least.

There’s too many thoughts floating through my head to make another pseudo-coherent paragraph. I wish you well and hope that your day was better than and as enlightening as mine.

“I’m an early bird and a night owl. So I’m wise and I have worms.”

But seriously, I was up late again last night and somehow managed to get to work by 7:30. I have a rather large new assignment at work that I’ll begin hammering out today - hopefully. I managed to lose the files I grabbed yesterday so I figured I’d get a post in while I wait an hour for this thing to re-download.

I find myself in a new place this morning. It’s vaguely reminiscent of past memories and perhaps similar to feelings that I’ve had throughout my years but I’d like to think this time it’s different. Although…whether that’s a good thing or not has yet to be decided. Nevertheless, it’s nice to know that I haven’t become completely callous over the years. I’m still shaken up by my holiday mistakes but they’re evolving into one of those lessons I know I’ll never forget. That, in combination with the new feelings that I have, isn’t the easiest thing to deal with but I’d like to think that I’m managing. Even if I do space out for an hour every now and then.

It’s a defining moment. No matter how I look at it, I am responsible for choosing where we go from here. Do you think I have the courage?