Art of Growing Old

I can’t get to sleep tonight and I’m not even tired. I don’t really feel like I have anything good to say either, but I feel the need to write something. I always have something to say - it just might take a while to get it out of me.

I’ve decided that I might want a relationship. If you know me well at all, this might be a bit of a surprise. I’m typically one to keep to myself and not pursue any sort of commitments that don’t revolve around my career so yeah, it’s kind of a big deal. That’s not to say that I’ve met anyone that made me change my mind…actually, I wish that was the case. Instead, it’s the the desire to meet someone that will make me want to change my mind about a few things.

It’s tough to meet people out here. People get so upset with me when I say that - as if their anger could potentially change my situation? Yeah, I want to meet people but I don’t want to meet just ANYONE. I don’t want to have one of those conversations that make me want to hang myself. Trust me, I have plenty of those and I’m getting a little sick of them. I just want to connect with someone, anyone. It’s getting tough out here without that personal connection.

It really is a new year. I’ve severed all communication with so many people that it feels…weird? I’m not sure if that covers it properly or not. Nevertheless, I’m in a pretty severe isolation mode right now and I want nothing more than to break out of it.

I need to get out and explore. Any ideas of what I can do to meet people that can have a decent conversation?

“I’m an early bird and a night owl. So I’m wise and I have worms.”

But seriously, I was up late again last night and somehow managed to get to work by 7:30. I have a rather large new assignment at work that I’ll begin hammering out today - hopefully. I managed to lose the files I grabbed yesterday so I figured I’d get a post in while I wait an hour for this thing to re-download.

I find myself in a new place this morning. It’s vaguely reminiscent of past memories and perhaps similar to feelings that I’ve had throughout my years but I’d like to think this time it’s different. Although…whether that’s a good thing or not has yet to be decided. Nevertheless, it’s nice to know that I haven’t become completely callous over the years. I’m still shaken up by my holiday mistakes but they’re evolving into one of those lessons I know I’ll never forget. That, in combination with the new feelings that I have, isn’t the easiest thing to deal with but I’d like to think that I’m managing. Even if I do space out for an hour every now and then.

It’s a defining moment. No matter how I look at it, I am responsible for choosing where we go from here. Do you think I have the courage?